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There’s never enough time. There is no time to lose. I know this, and have known this, but never truly grocked this until the last two years. Petty resentments , hurts, and demons know nothing of how fast time is. The last two years have shown me if you have something to say. Say it! don’t wait. If you have a hurt expose it, and try to heal it with the other person. Time slips by so fast and we always think we have time until it’s too late.
I miss my mother deeply today. This mixture of regret and introspection clings to me like thick molasses. I would give anything to say just two more words to her. All I can say is slay your demons before it’s too late, because there yours not theirs, and no one else can do it for you.

You grow where you are planted

You grow where you are planted. Depending on the environment and and what you are fed greatly influences what you fruit. Being attached and enmeshed, it is hard to see that one is growing in the wrong soil. Not having what you need and unable to ask for it brings, about the wrong fruit (vipāka if you will.) Having grown up in this environment I would like to believe that I can identify when I am in this situation. Time and time again I am proven wrong. Each time though it gets quicker I am able to identify in a much more timely manner that I am in the wrong soil.

I have come to realize that the main question I should be asking in my relationships is “will it feed you?” Is the environment fulfilling, sustaining? The constant interplay of feeding and being feed the give and take is it there, or I am sacrificing who and what I am, like a man on a sinking ship bailing water to keep a float?

Over the past year this thought would come upon me like a cold wave of … Continue reading

In the end

 

 

 

And at the end .
I am relieved , fascinated , and destroyed.
out of my chest a giant bird flees .
uncontaminated by the validation
Off to distant lands , and new horizons
Fly away , fly away, my black friend.
Take with you all the malice , worry, and spite .
Leaving me sacred to be filled with light .

She

I Know now. I never saw it before, but I see it now. The fact is I am very much like her,( we react the same way to stress.) I have a peculiar insight into her mind. It only makes sense that our relationship for many years was one of adversity. I never gave her a chance really ,never tried to see things from her perspective. The pain and hurt from her actions were too close too new, even though it had been 20 years. Pain demands to be felt and seems to compound until it is. When not given the space and time for expression it festers, like a septic infection of the soul.

I spent years rehashing and “working” on this with different therapist and counselor. This did give me an intellectual understanding of what I had experienced, and survived but never allowed for the space and the time to feel the hurt that was locked up inside with this scared child. I did not even know it existed.

Years later I have been confronted with her death and it all changed. Although there was and still … Continue reading

Death clears all scoreboards

Death clears all scoreboards. In the light of never seeing someone again, or feeling them, most things we keep score about seem very small and insignificant. It’s hard to see when you are in it, and they are alive. The hurts and expectations of change are all there, and strong brimming and bubbling right at the surface of our awareness. If they would just do this, or say that. Why can’t they just….

Truth is most people don’t change. Not the way we feel they should. It’s the expectation of change that causes pain and lack of healing. I refused to deal with and accept my own pain around the situation until they did, what I felt they should. My dear old friend hindsight pays me a visit once more. For when I look back I can see now that it really is all small shit. The hurts and pains that I have carried with me where just that; carried by me. I lacked acceptance and in that I lacked forgiveness.

There is no time to lose, in this world time is a cruel and fickle mistress and she … Continue reading

Angst

Crawling out of my skin. So let the circus begin.
Always and forever, when does it end?
Thoughts cross change and interweave, misperceive, Its all disbelief.
Emotions like beasts, driving, Writhing, striving in misconstrued support.
I see and I know but, always taken along by the show.
Standing in indignation of self.

Flightless bird

Plumes of hyper mediocrity bloom as if spring where upon us.
The weaving of time in looms gone by; I see, I want, I need.
To taste, to feel, to hear, to feed, Oh to be heard.
Lying there like some large flightless bird I flail and grasp for you.
As I sit and wait in bogs of light temperate chewing on sweet gale
Like some old wives tale I think of you.

The problem with shiny

The problem with shiny is that it’s usually sharp. When I was a young boy around Christmas I became enamored with one of the glass ornaments on the tree. It was one of those thin glass red foiled ones.  I ran up and grabbed it off the tree and in my excitement, and, zeal of the moment I grasped it very tightly. The sound was really what I remember most like thin ice cracking on a lake with that high pitch “Tink” sound. The next thing I noticed  was the blood, pain, and, the shattered ornament in my hand. I have the scar to this day. It cut me deep in the fleshy part of my hand.  The significance of the lesson was lost on me at that young age.

As I got older there was many more shiny distraction, Beautiful people, and things in my life I destroyed by grasping too hard at them. The lessons where all lost on me then, as well. It took me many years to realize the truth of attachment,  grasping, and, the suffering that it causes in our lives. It took me … Continue reading

Lean Into Your Rough Edges

Lean into your rough edges. That has stuck with me lately, it’s kind of been a ‘theme’ if you will. In the time I have been walking my path I have had plenty of opportunities to lean into my edges; many “Buddhas in disguise” moments and many opportunities for practice. However, there have been a few rather large moments in my practice that have really encouraged me to continue on, moments where it has seemed almost effortless. Moments in my life that point to the truth that the Dharma is working and I am ripening, just as the sutas say.

One of these moments was about three years into my practice. I had gotten a call from my mother and she explained that my cousin David’s wife Debbie had passed from a brain hemorrhage (she was only in her mid 40’s), and that David was quite understandably destroyed.

Now to truly understand the story you will have to know the history behind David and I. David was one of my abusers when I was growing up, and I had a deep and undying hatred for this man for … Continue reading