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Growing up the way I did left me angry and bitter at the whole world around me. The survival skills I had adopted not only kept people who would hurt me away. They also cut off any help that would come my way. It was constantly not what I felt I needed or wanted. I always ended up trying to depend on them too much or demanding total control.<\/p>\n
Time and time again I would smack people’s hands away. Eventually people stopped trying to help. That only fueled me more. ” How dare they not help me! Cant they see I am in pain ? Why won’t you help me ? ” It was a constant game of screaming ” Everyone just leave me alone!!” Anyone? Hello ?” A constant cycle of me pushing people away and then blaming them for leaving. It was a lonely miserable existence but one of my own making. Sure I did not get the ball rolling that was my early experiences in life’s job. However I am the one who chose to keep it rolling. Time and time again I would Alienate all who cared all who wanted to help.<\/p>\n
The cycle was a deep rooted one and took many years for me to break. First I had to look at these situations and see where my part in them was. No matter what the situation was. Whether I felt I had a right to be angry or not. Whether it really was something shitty that happened. I had to look at all the incidents that I was reliving daily. The ones that where rotting me out from the inside. I had to find my part where I might be to blame and see how I could have done this better. In the incidents where I found no real wrong on my part I had to find forgiveness for their part. In fact in all incidents in my life I had to find forgiveness. It was the only way I found to true freedom from the past.<\/p>\n
Finding this forgiveness was not easy in many of these situations. I found it easier if I was able to put myself in their shoes see it from there point of view. Then I could have empathy and compassion, For most of the time my abusers lived through the exact pain I did and once again it was that pain that allowed me to identify, care for and come to love my abusers . Some of them only enough to see what pain had done to them. In others it allowed me to love them with all my heart and soul again whether I allowed them back in my life or not. It was my love for them that freed me from my suffering .<\/p>\n
My chains have always been of my own making no matter the cause. Experience gives me the raw material and I have the choice to either build chains and a cage over my heart or to use this material to build a stairway to freedom. To use the pain to block out all things that would help me leaving me isolated and alone or take that pain and use it as a spring board for growth.<\/p>\n
We are all entrusted with a certain amount of pain in our lives it is unavoidable. Some more than others. I believe the point to all this pain is to be the touchstone of growth. To give us something to make us uncomfortable. I have found for me at least that I do not just decide to change things it takes a certain amount of pain to motivate me. To move me enough to realize something has to change. As I get stronger in my practice I am able to see the need for change with less and less suffering. I am becoming more sensitive to the things on my life that are ear marks for change. For this I am grateful. It no longer takes a building falling on me for me to realize its time to change now it only takes a house. One day I hope for a small shed or fence. We shall see.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Growing up the way I did left me angry and bitter at the whole world around me. The survival skills I had adopted not only kept people who would hurt me away. They also cut off any help that would come my way. It was constantly not what I felt I needed or wanted. I always ended up trying to depend on them too much or demanding total control.<\/p>\n
Time and time again I would smack people’s hands away. Eventually people stopped trying to help. That only fueled me more. ” How dare they not help me! Cant they see I am in pain ? Why won’t you help me ? ” It was a constant game of screaming ” Everyone just leave me alone!!” Anyone? Hello ?” A constant cycle of me pushing people away and then blaming them for leaving. It was a lonely miserable existence but one of my own making. Sure I did not get the ball rolling that was my early experiences in life’s job. However I am the one who chose to keep it rolling. Time and time again I would Alienate all \u2026 Continue reading