Category Archives: Healing

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  By liam | December 22, 2015 - 2:50 pm | Healing
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There’s never enough time. There is no time to lose. I know this, and have known this, but never truly grocked this until the last two years. Petty resentments , hurts, and demons know nothing of how fast time is. The last two years have shown me if you have something to say. Say it! don’t wait. If you have a hurt expose it, and try to heal it with the other person. Time slips by so fast and we always think we have time until it’s too late.
I miss my mother deeply today. This mixture of regret and introspection clings to me like thick molasses. I would give anything to say just two more words to her. All I can say is slay your demons before it’s too late, because there yours not theirs, and no one else can do it for you.

You grow where you are planted

  By liam | July 7, 2015 - 12:41 pm | Healing
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You grow where you are planted. Depending on the environment and and what you are fed greatly influences what you fruit. Being attached and enmeshed, it is hard to see that one is growing in the wrong soil. Not having what you need and unable to ask for it brings, about the wrong fruit (vipāka if you will.) Having grown up in this environment I would like to believe that I can identify when I am in this situation. Time and time again I am proven wrong. Each time though it gets quicker I am able to identify in a much more timely manner that I am in the wrong soil.

I have come to realize that the main question I should be asking in my relationships is “will it feed you?” Is the environment fulfilling, sustaining? The constant interplay of feeding and being feed the give and take is it there, or I am sacrificing who and what I am, like a man on a sinking ship bailing water to keep a float?

Over the past year this thought would come upon me like a cold wave of nausea. Am I being fed? Am I able to feed? The answer was always different, colored, checkered in an array of inter playable justification, self loathing, and, desire for more. This led to yet another road of self discovery. What was it I truly needed? Separating the wants from the desires, The idealization from the truth. Being able to identify emotional needs and separate them from emotional wants is a long hard journey. Environmental factors always played a lot in decisions. Societal ideas always crashing in on the thought process (I blame Disney.) Poor communication skills when expressing emotional needs was also a difficult wall to climb.

What I found to be true is no matter how well you are explaining it. No matter how clear your communication of your needs are, if the person you are talking to does not have the ability to meet them they will not be met. Seems like a simple enough concept to understand, it took me a while to catch on. In the end I learned that we have no control over anything but ourselves. No amount of talking will change this. All you can do is make your case state your needs clearly. If they are met fantastic. If they are not, the responsibility lies with you. What are you going to do to make sure you are getting what you need?

In the right environment people grow. in the wrong environment people can grow even more. At the end of it all however you will not be your best in the wrong soil. You will not produce good fruit unless you are fed what you need to bloom.

Am I being fed? Am I Feeding?

She

  By liam | July 7, 2015 - 11:21 am | Healing
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I Know now. I never saw it before, but I see it now. The fact is I am very much like her,( we react the same way to stress.) I have a peculiar insight into her mind. It only makes sense that our relationship for many years was one of adversity. I never gave her a chance really ,never tried to see things from her perspective. The pain and hurt from her actions were too close too new, even though it had been 20 years. Pain demands to be felt and seems to compound until it is. When not given the space and time for expression it festers, like a septic infection of the soul.

I spent years rehashing and “working” on this with different therapist and counselor. This did give me an intellectual understanding of what I had experienced, and survived but never allowed for the space and the time to feel the hurt that was locked up inside with this scared child. I did not even know it existed.

Years later I have been confronted with her death and it all changed. Although there was and still is a lot of pain from my past, it was not until she passed that I realized (and could drop my defenses) there was a lot of love and caring as well. She (my mother) was a hard woman, who did not really know how to express love. I being young took this poor example and integrated it into my psyche. With this poor idea of love, I existed under the incorrect perception that she just did not love. Instead of the truth she did not know how to show it well. There was little to no forgiveness in my heart for this woman who had spent seventeen years of her life taking care of, and loving me the only way she knew how.

Now She has passed and I am left with a cacophony of emotion. Love, hate, forgiveness, justification, and understanding all vortex through my core. I see now how this mistaken perception of love has tainted everything in my life. I see now the healing that needed to take place. This pain that has demanded to be felt for the last 30 years, is now so close to the surface of my life that it can no longer be ignored. I am here and now, I have to face it, walk with it, feel it, and learn to love it. I know that it will not lessen until I do.