Death clears all scoreboards. In the light of never seeing someone again, or feeling them, most things we keep score about seem very small and insignificant. It’s hard to see when you are in it, and they are alive. The hurts and expectations of change are all there, and strong brimming and bubbling right at the surface of our awareness. If they would just do this, or say that. Why can’t they just….
Truth is most people don’t change. Not the way we feel they should. It’s the expectation of change that causes pain and lack of healing. I refused to deal with and accept my own pain around the situation until they did, what I felt they should. My dear old friend hindsight pays me a visit once more. For when I look back I can see now that it really is all small shit. The hurts and pains that I have carried with me where just that; carried by me. I lacked acceptance and in that I lacked forgiveness.
There is no time to lose, in this world time is a cruel and fickle mistress and she will not stop. Lessons learned over and over are painful and pointent of my refusal to heal old wounds. There is no one who can do it but me. Time to walk once again.