I was recently asked how I have integrated my Buddhism with an idea of a higher power. The question was hard for me to answer. I have an idea of how this works in my life, a sort of abstract feeling of how it all goes together and it works well for me. However, I could not explain it.
Having an engineering background, I am of a firm belief that if you cannot fully explain and teach something in terms others can easily understand, then you do not have a full understanding of it yourself. This has sat with me the last few days.
When I first started this path I’m on, things were so different. I was new in recovery, scared, and had no real idea of what a higher power was, or what it was to me. I had my mother’s god, the one taught to me when growing up; he was loving and caring, but a bit vengeful when the rules were not followed and there was lots of hellfire and brimstone. Having broken so many of those rules, I had very little hope this god would help me. Lucky for me, this was wrong.
As my practice in meditation and the Dharma grew stronger, I started hearing more and more about this concept of being born with Buddha nature. That is, I am and always have been complete and have all I need inside. I just have to do the work to clear away the delusion and obscurations of that true nature. This however left me with a quandary: how am I supposed to look to myself in this path, when I was taught in order to stay sober I had to look to a higher power outside of myself?
This sat heavy with me for a long while. I spoke with others in sangha about this question, and was told to sit in meditation with it and the answer would come. The more I sat with the question, the more I realized the idea of separateness from a higher power is a delusion of the dualistic mind. There is no self! My answer was in the concept of Not-Self. If there is no separation of my mind, or the guru’s mind, or the mind of enlightened ones – or even the mind of all the Buddhas who have come before – then there is no separation of me from my higher power. There is no separation between me and you, just clouded perception; only an incorrect view.
This frozen view of self, this idea of a separate ego, it’s as if my mind is an iceberg floating in the ocean. Separate but the same. One day, one lifetime, I will have purified my view enough that this iceberg will melt and merge back into the sea. The sea was a part of me the whole time, only held separate through a frozen view. The true nature of the mind will be revealed to me; no more separation, no more frozen view.
Knowing this has allowed me to have an even greater communion with my higher power. I have a clearer path to understand what my higher power’s will for me is on a daily basis. I no longer feel the need to name or make separate my higher power, for it is in everything and everyone. I stopped looking for where it is, because nowadays I can no longer find where it is not. From the person going slow in the fast lane, to H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. All precious teachers, all ways, my higher power is speaking to me, teaching me, showing me its will for me on a daily, hourly, and minutely basis.
Should I forget, should I lose skillful view, I have only to stop, close my eyes, and count my breath. When I come back to the present moment, there is my higher power waiting patiently and lovingly for me to return. It never leaves, because it’s never gone. It is in everything and everyone including me. I have only to stop, be mindful and skillful in this moment for my view to adjust and my will to align with the will of the Dharma. That is, for me, to be of maximum service to all sentient beings.
If there were no anger what would you be feeling ? I had never thought about it like that before. That one statement hit me hard and in that instant I could see what the anger really was for me. What anger had been doing for me all these years .
I never truly knew how I felt about myself until I spent six days in silence with complete strangers. It’s the faces you see. They become mirrors of your own ill will towards yourself. You tend to project your inner self hatred onto them. Next thing you know the story in your mind is so fantastic it even comes complete with a lynch mob.
What if nothing is wrong ? This sticks with me. Resonates within me often when I meditate. What if nothing really is wrong? What if it just is? That is in fact the truth nothing is wrong until I judge it. Until I label it as such. Inherently things are not wrong or right they just are. It is not until my mind comes in and starts throwing labels and judgments around on everything it comes in contact with does it become anything other then what it is in that moment.
One of the things I find hardest to keep up at times is my desire to meditate. I know the joys of a daily meditation practice. I know the benefits as well. Ten years ago when I started this path it was out of a search for relief. I was newly sober my emotions where completely out of control. I had developed clinical anxiety from the amount of LSD and Alcohol I had consumed over the last twenty seven years. So the motivation to sit was strong meditation was the corner stone of my life.
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Buddha, Dharma , Sangha The three jewels and man are they the three jewels for a reason. I say this because I am often reminded of this fact. Take Sangha I started out in the Theravada school of Buddhism. It is what first made since to me. I liked this idea of shutting up sitting down and meditating to uncover and clear away the delusion from my heart. I liked the fact at least from my limited view at the time that there was not a lot of ritual in it. There was a lot of emphasis on quiet meditation and the four noble truths and the eight fold path. I had a few friends that where of the Vajrayana school. I often would go to The Sakya monastery in Seattle to meditate and do Chenrezi practice. Never really committing to being one school of Buddhism or another, To me Dharma is Dharma it all came from one source there are just many different roads to the same ends. Or so I thought time went on and I kept up with the Sakya I really enjoyed the chanting, the mantra, and the visuals to me it seemed to prepare my mind somehow make it more fertile in a way for the teachings and for my meditation.
Growing up the way I did left me angry and bitter at the whole world around me. The survival skills I had adopted not only kept people who would hurt me away. They also cut off any help that would come my way. It was constantly not what I felt I needed or wanted. I always ended up trying to depend on them too much or demanding total control.
Let me start out this by saying. I have always listened to Ani Difranco. Growing up in the area I did every ooh rah chick I knew listened to Ani as some kind of Affirmation of being a strong women. Me being a man, I did feel a little odd listening to Ani and enjoying it as much as I did. No big deal however I was ok with this.