Let me start out this by saying. I have always listened to Ani Difranco. Growing up in the area I did every ooh rah chick I knew listened to Ani as some kind of Affirmation of being a strong women. Me being a man, I did feel a little odd listening to Ani and enjoying it as much as I did. No big deal however I was ok with this.
It was not until the end of a particularly rough five year relationship with a girl. A relationship that had been rough due to my own actions and inability to change them at the time. See I had this habit of putting anything and everything in my body and treating everybody and anybody who gave a shit about me like dog shit. Ya weird habit I know. After five years of this you can see why she would want to move on to someone who actually treated her like a human being. Much less someone who was actually nice to her and knew how to express love. So there I was alone again and feeling oh so sorry for poor little ole me. Some where in all this I had missed where I was wrong. Some where in all this I had missed my own actions.
Now this girl who left loved Ani Difranco to a Crazy degree. Used to have discussions with me on how Ani had Changed her life and made her see things in a different way. So in the midst of all this feeling sorry for my self and drinking a shit load I was reorganizing my cd’s and came across the ani block of things. I found little plastic castles and put it in.
The first song is As is. I remember just sitting and really listening to the lyrics for the first time. It was an odd juxtapose for me sitting there listening to that song. Normally when you listen to
“break up “ sad music you are the singer at least that’s how it works for me. I identify with what the singer is saying belting out righteous lyrics, Declaring my indignation and hurt, but oh how I will survive and be stronger in the long run. However this was not what was happening at this point. It was if Ani was singing about me and suddenly it dawned on me I was an asshole. In that moment I was hearing the other persons side of things. For the first time in my life I realized that other people mattered too. “Just give up and admit your an asshole. “ That lyric stuck in my head. Could it be that easy just admit I was wrong ?
Through out that night I listened to every Ani album I had. Every song about Failed relations and lost love forced me to think more and more where I had been at fault in the past .Every lyric of how hard she tried to save something that was unsolvable cut me deep and forced me into further introspection.
I could finally see that as humans all we really want to be is happy. I saw that we are deserving of that happiness. I finally saw that I could not achieve my happiness at the expense of others. All simple things that had eluded me over the years. I was inundated with all the shit I had pulled in the past and had no where to put it all.
That one night changed my life forever. You see, because the universe has a sense of humor for sure. The next night I ended up in An alcoholics anonymous meeting with a friend. I was there to support him He felt a bit nervous going there alone. It was a book study and we all got to read. When It came time for me to read I started right where the person before me left off and I read out loud. “ After a few years with an alcoholic a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else.” and there again Ani was there pointing out her side of things and I listened. It was in that moment I realized What I needed to do but with out the ground work that was laid the night before I probably would have never been receptive enough to realize what was being said to me. Through the words of Bill Wilson and the first one hundred drunks. In the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fast forward 8 years and life is great I am better and always trying to change and grow for the better. Funny how it all start from one long night of introspection. Just me and Ani. Her pointing it out and me acknowledging it and wanting it to change.