Author Archives: liam

The Crux

  By liam | September 13, 2013 - 4:34 pm | Uncategorized
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So, this was going around “The Facebook” awhile back, and every time I saw the photo, it never quite sat right with me. It’s a grand idea I suppose: grow up with someone, fall madly in love, get married, have children (I am assuming have grandchildren, as it is not in the photo), then grow old and die together.
Every time I saw this picture, I could not figure out why it bothered me. Then I started thinking about it, and it all seemed so selfish to me. In this photo there’s this idea of a perfect love, and life. There seemed to be no room for others outside of the immediate family bubble. No serving of a greater purpose, no helping out their fellow man – just taking what they can in the way of small, temporary happiness until they die.
Then I questioned, Is this the dream a lot of us strive to, is this all we think we are capable of? I understand this is just a picture, and cannot sum up the entire human experience, but it is a highly idealized version of love, and what makes a happy life. This romanticizing of what life should be. Then it struck me. Ah ha! I thought. Should be. There it was, the crux of the problem: expectations of what life should be. This lead to another thought process of, Well, if this is what a lot of us feel life should be, or at least what we feel love should be, then we are causing ourselves a lot of undue suffering, brought on by outrageous expectations of life.
Once again, I am staring at the crux of the problem, and again, it is what it always is. The Second Noble Truth states the origin of suffering is attachment to the three kinds of desire: desire for sense pleasure (kama tanha), desire to become (bhava tanha), and desire to get rid of (vibhava tanha). Or, put another way, our attachment or aversion to things as they are right now causes suffering in our life. The attachment to this idealized version of love will cause some to suffer, if not all to suffer, because if you do achieve exactly what your mind feels it “should be”, would you now not worry about losing it? Instead of just enjoying the moment for what it is.
The mind is a neurotic little beast at best sometimes, and at worst it seems like we as humans are completely addicted to pleasure. Always wanting what’s good, never wanting to face what’s bad, just push it away and hope it goes. Always mixing up our feelings with whether or not we are happy or not. Now this made sense in primitive man: if you were warm and had a full tummy, you would most likely live another day, thereby bringing yourself closer to the goal of spreading your DNA for one more generation. These neural pathways are deeply ingrained in the primitive cortex of the brain. Pain means bad, get it away; pleasure means good, hold it tight so it won’t leave. On a very basic level, this is how we continued to evolve and further our species for thousands of years.
How does this serve us now, though? Sure, if we were animals this would be fine as it would keep us alive day to day. However, our brains have evolved to conceptualize things. Even primitive Neanderthal man had these problems. He saw his neighbor with a bigger cave and also wanted a bigger cave. Olga, his mate, often got angry when Urg was looking at the neighbor’s mate, then would refuse to mate with him, making him unhappy. We as modern day men and women have this same issue: thinking of how the situation we have right now, in this moment, could be even better. Most of us do it without ever realizing it. We label and judge things so quickly as good, bad ,or not worthy of our attention, it seems as if we have no say in this eternal inventorying going on in the mind.
This is where the root of suffering lays – this idea of the way things should be that blots out all other possibilities as acceptable. This idea that we have to grow, fall in love, marry, have kids, and die together can be so strong that we never look at any other possibility of how things could be. We just suffer because we don’t have the story we think we should have. The story is just the preconceived idea of how this or that should be. This constant inventory, “white noise” as I like to call it, in the back of the brain. It’s always there but we are too distracted to notice it. It is constantly happening and affecting our moods without us even knowing it is going on.
For me, the only solution to this has been mindfulness. Through daily mindfulness meditation I have become more aware of what is going on in the mind from moment to moment. This has allowed me a small amount of space between thought and habitual reaction. Trying to stay present in the moment and truly experience what it has to hold has been my antidote for habitual reaction, for my constant need and want for distraction from what is now in the moment.
So, this highly romanticized and conceptualized idea of what a loving relationship and life should be took me off guard some. I would see this photo and think, This is not how it is, and if it is this is somehow empty and not lasting. Truth is all things are unsatisfactory and impermanent. It is the nature of all things to fade or be temporary. It is my practice to see them as they are, and react accordingly, to walk the middle path between desire and aversion; to truly experience things as they are and love them for their very own experience,(good or bad). When they pass, I need to let them go for that is the nature of all things in samsara. It is through this practice I will truly be able to experience the here and now and be okay with whatever is in this moment – even if the experience of equanimity is in itself temporary and elusive.

The Great Truth

  By liam | July 24, 2013 - 9:14 pm | Dharma, Motivation
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I was fortunate enough to be invited to Monroe prison for their yearly prison sangha celebration called Buddhafest.
As I sat and interacted with the inmates while watching their loud and fun antics, I was filled with great joy. The joy I felt was brought on by the fact that this was the great truth about the Dharma in action, right there in front of me. Prisons, no prisons, walls, no walls – we are all somehow trapped in this samsara. If these men can find freedom from suffering, even behind bars, and under watch of guards, then we all can find freedom from suffering right here and now, wherever we are. This is the great truth of the Dharma. We can be free from suffering no matter what.

The Buddha taught only two things: the origins of suffering, and the cessation from suffering. We don’t have to be a prisoner to our emotions. We don’t have to flitter in the wind with every mood. This is true freedom.

The path is there, well laid out for us. The eightfold path is the path to true liberation from samsara – with or without enlightenment. Simply trying to follow the path will ease suffering in our life. We are all so lucky to have not only achieved precious human birth, but to also to have had great contact with the Dharma.

It is moments like this that propel me forward on the path. I know the Dharma works. I know it can end suffering in my life. All I have to do is the work.

What Can We Do?

  By liam | June 2, 2013 - 2:44 pm | Dharma, Motivation
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So what are we going to do? I see people all the time on Facebook and other social networks, posting about this political thing, or that political thing. It seems like everyone is putting out a call to arms for one thing or another. But what are we really doing?

We need to get off our asses (my ass included). We need to get off the computer if we are ever going to enact any real change in the here and now. Sitting around and posting pictures of kittens, or angry political rants  scrawled over a picture of a flag, a country, or a horrid picture of dead soldiers in a poignant angry looking font is not enacting change in any way. Most people (myself included) just scroll past that shit nowadays anyway. As a society, we are assaulted daily with so much visual and audio stimulus. It’s almost impossible to wade through the sea of useless crap that we are consuming in the form of media to actually get a point through.

So what are we going to do? I often wonder if there is anything we can do. Maybe if we start at a small local level, because the system we have in place is much too large to take head on. We need to start with ourselves. You know, like Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see.” Maybe we need to pull our heads out of our narcissistic asses and “do” something – actually go out and do something in the real world. Like volunteer at a hospice, take Dharma into the prisons, or a meeting, or work with at-risk youth so they have a decent example in their life.

Growing up the way I did left a lack of good examples in my life. If it had not been for the handful of people that tried to help, I would not be here today. The funny thing about that is at the time, I did not respond in any positive fashion to their attempts to help me, or to their lead and example. I remained that shit-ass-know-it-all kid with no hope of a decent life.  What they did do was plant a seed; a seed that, when the causes and conditions where right, grew to be the firmly rooted tree I held on to as my soul weathered the storm of my own creation.

As a direct result of these people who tried to show me a better way, when the time came I was able to use the tools they had given me so many years before. The soil of my heart was finally tilled enough for these seeds to take root. Now it has become my lifelong practice to continue to nurture and fertilize this soil. The seeds will only grow if I continue to give them what they need – good and bad seeds alike. So it is also my practice to only nurture the good seeds, and not the bad.

It is a process that cannot be rushed. It’s a lifelong daily practice. Day in and day out, I have to continue to do what is needed to nurture my heart, to train the mind in the great way. Even when I do not see the results I “think” I should be seeing, I must still work, and I must still practice. I do not have control over how fast the seeds will grow, nor do I have control over what fruit they will bear. I only have control over what I do to help that seed bear fruit.

From this example, I can see how I might change things slowly. I can do whatever I can to help all sentient beings; it is through this action that I myself may plant some seeds that will bear the fruit of change.

Six Days on the Inside

  By liam | June 1, 2013 - 2:00 pm | Dharma, Motivation
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On the last day of retreat with Noah Levine, he had the practitioners write something about our experience. This is what I wrote.

Day 1: Man, trees are really fucking tall!
Day 2: In this moment, it’s like this.
Day 3: Wait! It took seven years of sobriety, three years of daily meditation practice, two years of therapy, and three days of intensive meditation to figure that out? Really?!!
Day 4: Am I having a heart attack?
Day 5: My body knows what to do, I should trust it.
Day 6: It will never cease to amaze me how you can come to love and appreciate twenty five people – most of whom you have never met – in the span of six days without saying a single word to them.

Right Action

  By liam | March 4, 2013 - 12:07 pm | Dharma
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Right Action in the Eightfold Path is the second ethical principle. It pertains to the body as a means of expression, as it really involves the body’s actions. The idea of practicing the Five Precepts in our daily life comes back to Right View. If we have Right View, and can see the correctness of the Four Noble Truths in samsara; the Five Precepts will then come naturally. We will want to follow them, knowing that they will lessen suffering for ourselves and others we come in contact with.

The First Precept is to abstain from harming sentient beings, particularly abstaining from taking life. Suicide falls into this category, as we are no less important a sentient being as any other around us. This brings up often the question of eating meat. The Buddha and his disciples where not vegetarians – they ate what was offered to them when they went on alms rounds. If meat was put in their bowl, they ate it. The exception to this is if the animal had been killed specifically for them; they would not eat it, as the animal would have lived if it had not been sacrificed to feed them.

The Second Precept is don’t take what is not freely given. So, do not steal – but more so than that, do not manipulate others to get what you want. Do not take it if it is not yours, whether you do it by force or by guile. Manipulating others to give you something means what you received was not freely given to you. Guilt, emotional blackmail, harassment, threats – they all fall into this category. It is not just the action of physically taking something which is not yours; it is also all the actions and mindstates that lead to you getting what is not offered.

The Third Precept is to abstain from sexual misconduct. Do not hurt yourself or others with your sexual actions. Lying or leading others to believe you feel a certain way in order to bed them, cheating on a significant other, and having sexual activities with a person who is in a committed relationship are all examples of sexual misconduct. The harm done by this one act can be immeasurable; not only do we cause suffering to the significant other, but to the children and other family members as well. The ripples and impact from this action can have lasting harmful effects, all due to one selfish act. The harm we can do ourselves with sexual misconduct can be grave as well. The guilt, shame, and general self-hatred that can be kicked off by heedlessness is only the beginning of our problems. If we act with reckless abandon with our sexual energies, it can very well mean death to others and ourselves.

The Fourth Precept is to refrain from false speech.  Do not lie. This idea of honesty pervades all the precepts. It goes further than just not lying; sometimes it can mean having the wisdom to know whether to speak at all. I often like to run what I am going to say through two criteria: Is it true? and Is it useful? If what I am thinking meets both of those, then I will open my mouth. Harsh speech is to be refrained from as well. As speech is our primary form of interpersonal communication, it has the capacity to be extremely harmful when we are not mindful of what and how we say things.

The Fifth Precept is to abstain from intoxicating drinks and drugs causing heedlessness. I found this one to be very important on my path. For me, when this precept was broken, I would soon break all the others due to my heedlessness. It’s impossible for me to be mindful of myself and others when I am intoxicated. Heedlessness, i.e. being unmindful, makes the practice of Right Action impossible.

Right Action is the practice of reacting compassionately and kindly to others, to be honest and respect others belongings, to keep our sexual relationships harmless to other and ourselves.

Better Understanding of a Higher Power

  By liam | February 26, 2013 - 10:55 pm | Dharma, Higher Power, Recovery
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I was recently asked how I have integrated my Buddhism with an idea of a higher power. The question was hard for me to answer. I have an idea of how this works in my life, a sort of abstract feeling of how it all goes together and it works well for me. However, I could not explain it.

Having an engineering background, I am of a firm belief that if you cannot fully explain and teach something in terms others can easily understand, then you do not have a full understanding of it yourself. This has sat with me the last few days.

When I first started this path I’m on, things were so different. I was new in recovery, scared, and had no real idea of what a higher power was, or what it was to me. I had my mother’s god, the one taught to me when growing up; he was loving and caring, but a bit vengeful when the rules were not followed and there was lots of hellfire and brimstone. Having broken so many of those rules, I had very little hope this god would help me. Lucky for me, this was wrong.

As my practice in meditation and the Dharma grew stronger, I started hearing more and more about this concept of being born with Buddha nature. That is, I am and always have been complete and have all I need inside. I just have to do the work to clear away the delusion and obscurations of that true nature. This however left me with a quandary: how am I supposed to look to myself in this path, when I was taught in order to stay sober I had to look to a higher power outside of myself?

This sat heavy with me for a long while. I spoke with others in sangha about this question, and was told to sit in meditation with it and the answer would come. The more I sat with the question, the more I realized the idea of separateness from a higher power is a delusion of the dualistic mind. There is no self! My answer was in the concept of Not-Self. If there is no separation of my mind, or the guru’s mind, or the mind of enlightened ones – or even the mind of all the Buddhas who have come before – then there is no separation of me from my higher power. There is no separation between me and you, just clouded perception; only an incorrect view.

This frozen view of self, this idea of a separate ego, it’s as if my mind is an iceberg floating in the ocean. Separate but the same. One day, one lifetime, I will have purified my view enough that this iceberg will melt and merge back into the sea. The sea was a part of me the whole time, only held separate through a frozen view. The true nature of the mind will be revealed to me; no more separation, no more frozen view.

Knowing this has allowed me to have an even greater communion with my higher power. I have a clearer path to understand what my higher power’s will for me is on a daily basis. I no longer feel the need to name or make separate my higher power, for it is in everything and everyone. I stopped looking for where it is, because nowadays I can no longer find where it is not. From the person going slow in the fast lane, to H.E. Garchen Rinpoche. All precious teachers, all ways, my higher power is speaking to me, teaching me, showing me its will for me on a daily, hourly, and minutely basis.

Should I forget, should I lose skillful view, I have only to stop, close my eyes, and count my breath. When I come back to the present moment, there is my higher power waiting patiently and lovingly for me to return. It never leaves, because it’s never gone. It is in everything and everyone including me. I have only to stop, be mindful and skillful in this moment for my view to adjust and my will to align with the will of the Dharma. That is, for me, to be of maximum service to all sentient beings.

Anger

  By liam | February 26, 2013 - 6:11 pm | Anger
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If there were no anger what would you be feeling ? I had never   thought about it like that before. That one statement hit me hard and in that instant I could see what the anger really was for me. What anger had been doing for me all these years .

Anger is the great Lie the great mask. It can and does blot out all other feelings. Feelings of hurt, regret, sadness, and longing all blotted out by anger. Battling anger head on, Has never worked. I cannot put out a fire with fire. For me it has to be a choice. A choice to let anger free and see what is below it. To feel what is there . What have I let anger mask for so many years. Feelings of Loss, Hurt , Betrayal, abandonment, A deep sadness all there, waiting and hoping to be felt and expressed. Waiting and longing to be free. To become the impermanent phenomena that they are.

Through my own aversion to these feelings I have bound them to myself for so many years. Years of the same cycle. The same walk, down the same street, falling into the same hole when I know it is there. For years I felt there was no choice this was not correct view. With one simple statement years of anger had been put into the correct light for me to see, what it truly is and was and has allowed me the choice to let it go. To experience it for what it is and truly find the root. To truly feel and not to push away things that are unpleasant. To be with what is and to be ok with it.

To Love Ones Self

  By liam | February 26, 2013 - 5:47 pm | Dharma
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I never truly knew how I felt about myself until I spent six days in silence with complete strangers. It’s the faces you see. They become mirrors of your own ill will towards yourself. You tend to project your inner self hatred onto them. Next thing you know the story in your mind is so fantastic it even comes complete with a lynch mob.

Of course I have no real basis of comparison. For all I know it may be the same if you truly love yourself. I don’t know? I would like to think it is a series of warm loving feelings over and over. Every time someone passes you, another feeling of warm loving kindness. Who knows?

What I do know is, that is what I would like others to experience when they pass me.